Satire

Via Eigenes Werk

SATIREmonoethnicschool

Jun Harrigan

Ending Segregation in Columbia High School

In the past decade the school board of the South Orange Maplewood School District has picked up several lawsuits, all accusing the school board of segregating black students. The latest lawsuit, alleging that the decades-long practice of placing students in tiered classes based on test scores or their perceived abilities (leveling) is discriminatory and hurt a lot more African American students than their white peers.

The allegations are completely true. One could easily make a distinction of what level a class is by its racial demographic. With the predominantly black classes being lower level and the predominantly white classes being higher level, it is in plain sight to see that the leveling system that we have adopted has led to segregated classrooms.

It starts off early. There is one predominantly black elementary school in the district and five other elementary schools that are overwhelmingly white. The kids that are put in the predominantly black school are usually put into lower leveled classes. Ask a low-level class where they went to elementary school and they will most likely say Boyden Elementary (the predominantly black elementary school).

The segregation in our school district can be easily fixed. Though it may take us back some decades regarding racial inequality it will for sure end the problem. The solution is to simply make each school monoethnic. Put all the black people in one school, and put all the white people in another school. It’s too good of a solution. Of course, this plan must be put into action by the U.S government because they’re too powerful and rich to sue. Not only will it keep the leveling system we have due to the fact that you can’t be racist towards your own race, but it’ll also prevent any civil rights lawsuit. You can’t segregate a school that is mono-ethnic. Wait, wouldn’t it be an act of segregation to have designated schools for each race? Well, it may, but it’s the U.S government putting it into action, and at least the school district can’t be hit with another lawsuit.

SATIREdresscode

Daniel Oxman

Via South Orange Maplewood School District

From: Elizabeth Aaron

<somsd@somsd.k12.nj.us>

Date: Wed, May 30, 2018, at 7:00am

Subject: New Active Shooter Procedure

To: CHS Families

Good morning CHS Families,

Our country has recently been stricken with a string of unimaginable tragedies in the form of deadly school shootings. It seems that every day, another person opens fire in a school, injuring students and faculties. Almost every school is vulnerable, including CHS. We have tried our best to take precautions by hiring security guards and frequently practicing active shooter drills. Unfortunately, those procedures are not fool-proof, so the school must implement a new policy to better protect our students.

As you may be aware, there is a district-wide budget freeze that prevents us from making most expenditures. Because of this, we had to find a free way to prevent more school shootings. We consulted many qualified CHS gym teachers and zero students while formulating our new policy, and we think it will greatly decrease the odds of a fatal shooting at CHS.

CHS has long since been known to not punish students for what they wear unless it is egregious inappropriate for a school environment. However, desperate times call for desperate measures, and we are forced to take a new outlook on the dress code of CHS. In many other schools, girls are barred from wearing clothing that distracts their male classmates from doing their work. We built off of that idea, and because most school shootings are perpetrated by young men, we have made the executive decision to require all female students to wear distracting clothing, so in the event of a shooting, the shooter will be distracted by bra straps and crop tops.

This was not an easy conclusion to come to, but we value our students being safe and comfortable above all else. And nothing says comfortable and secure like a strict dress code designed to protect our students. We realize that many of our female students do not appreciate being forced to wear this type of clothing, but we have been assured by the gym teachers that denim short-shorts and tube tops will not impact the participation grades of those students in their gym classes.

This dress code will go into effect immediately, and we appreciate the effort made by our student body to make our school a safer place. And ladies, remember, a short skirt a day keeps the psychos away.

Thank you,

Elizabeth Aaron, MAT, M.Ed.

Principal